Letting Go (of Your Cellular Device)

As a preface: I don't intend on directing this towards anyone in particular. The sheer number of people that I see doing this is staggering. And aggravating.

In this day and age it would be almost idiotic to not have a cell phone. The convenience alone is well worth that certain part of your life-sucking soul that gets indebted to the technological Beelzebub. I've read (and seen firsthand) about people in the developing world not having access to clean water or electricity yet still have cellular phones. And it's because they yearn to efface the same intrinsic desire that we all share:

To be popular.

I realize this is a heavily Westernized and incredibly ignorant generalization for a broader spectrum of people that actually use cell phones for their intended use (myself included). However, it's not a far miss from what could be called a viral epidemic of self-deprecating narcissism. And it's only getting bigger with the advent of technology.

We all see them. People that get out of class, work, gym and the moment they step outside to walk home is the same one they choose to fill their ears with garbage, talking the entire while on a pocket-sized ego protector. Some people take that idiopathic behavior one step further, refusing to engage in (normal) conversational discourse in favor of staring at a three-square-inch screen for the duration of their co-tenancy.

Now listen. I know there will be apologists that say that there's a logical reason for this sociopathy (in relation to natural humanistic ideology), but I don't buy it. Those same people are probably the ones responsible for Facebook friend lists in excess of 1,000 people. The strive for knowing everybody. The never-ending dragon chase for the friend request.

I just wanted to let you responsible parties know: I'm onto you.

Here's a thought: next time you think about calling your significant other/roommie/bff for no reason whatsoever in public domain, realize that the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about what you have to say. Or better yet: go retrofit your cell phone with one of these, and you'll see what the rest of the world already knows:

You're an idiot.

Dancing Etiquette

I cannot fathom the female mind. Ordinarily I'd offer some throwaway diatribe insulting the x-chromosome wholesale, but it doesn't seem fair to criticize so many for what's been perpetrated by a few members of that race. But whatever, I digress.

What I mean to say is: you suck at communicating. At least on the casual dance floor.

It seems like there's a strict set of rules for the casual dance floor (none of which I understand) that women can conjure up on a whim and dispose of just as quickly. So I'm dancing too far away? Too close? Not at all? (We know, you think all men want sex from all women all the time. Which isn't far from the truth.) But goddammit, you really need to start giving us an opportunity to get shut down. Because the reality is, you've got a hard-on for being as unapproachable as possible and it's really bringing me down.

This pretty much encapsulates the three different levels of existence on the dance floor. You've got the couples dancing by themselves and having fun, the lonely guys going around looking for some companionship, and the awful reality of women trying to act as unaffectedly as possible. Presumably huddled together for warmth, these girls will not offer guys an opportunity to buy them a drink, get their number, or (God forbid) actually dance with them. And do you know why?

Let me know, because I sure don't.

I think Peter Griffin said it best. Just replace "Lindsay Lohan" with "unaffected female" and "beer" with "beer" and you'll pretty much understand what I'm saying:



Chivalry is dead, I suppose.